Let’s ditch the ‘Fix-It’ approach to autistic play and stimming
December is often presented as a time of perfect, reciprocal play. Children are supposed to be unwrapping toys, sharing, and engaging in imaginative scenarios with family. But for parents of young autistic children, this high-pressure, socially demanding period can often feel like a battleground.
If you’ve been told to interrupt your child’s stimming, push for eye contact, or force them to play ‘functionally’ with toys, it’s time to take a deep breath. Those traditional approaches are not only stressful—they often miss the point of your child’s communication.
As a neurodiversity-affirming Speech and Language Therapist, I want to encourage you this December: You are allowed to follow your child’s lead, validate his or her unique interests, and trust that his or her play and movement are profoundly meaningful.
1. Stimming: not a distraction, but a regulator 💡
Stimming is short for self-stimulatory behaviour and includes repetitive movements or sounds like hand flapping, humming, rocking, finger flicking, or repeating phrases (called echolalia).
For years, parents were incorrectly advised to block or eliminate these behaviours. The neurodiversity-affirming view tells us the exact opposite: Stimming is a vital and essential tool for your child’s self-regulation.
Think of stimming as an internal volume dial:
- Too loud/overwhelmed: Your child may stim to reduce incoming sensory input (e.g., rocking to ground himself or herself in a busy room).
- Too quiet/under-stimulated: Your child may stim to increase sensory input and focus (e.g., running back and forth to maintain alertness).
The shift: validate, don’t block
Instead of saying, ‘Stop flapping your hands’, try to understand the message behind the movement.
- Observe: When does the stimming happen? Is it before a meltdown? When your child excited? When your child is bored?
- Validate: Name the need, not just the behaviour. You might say, ‘I see your body needs to move fast right now. That helps you calm down!’
- Co-regulate: If the stim is unsafe (e.g., head-banging), help your child find a safer, alternative stim that meets the same sensory need (e.g., pushing hard against a wall, squeezing a stress ball).
By validating your child’s need to regulate, you are building trust, reducing anxiety, and teaching him or her critical self-awareness.
2. Autistic play: Meaningful, even if it’s monologue
The traditional idea of ‘good play’ often involves turn-taking, pretending, and specific toy functions (e.g., pushing a train around a track). When an autistic child spends 30 minutes lining up cars, spinning their wheels, or scripting whole scenes from a favourite movie, it can often be dismissed as non-functional or repetitive.
In neurodiversity-affirming practice, we recognise that autistic play is authentic play. These activities are crucial for learning, deep focus, and imaginative development.
- Lining up toys may be an exploration of patterns, visual organisation, and order.
- Spinning wheels may be a deep interest in cause-and-effect and visual sensory input.
- Scripting is often a way to process language, regulate emotions, and practise complex social situations in a safe, controlled way.
Make a change: Join your child’s world, don’t drag them to yours.
Stop trying to force the ‘right’ way to play. Instead, try these neuro-affirming strategies:
- Be a co-regulator, not a director: If your child is lining up cars, sit down next to him or her. Instead of moving a car, try handing him or her another car to line up. Focus on the shared interest rather than forcing interaction.
- Narrate (don’t question): Avoid constantly asking, ‘What are you doing?’ or ‘What does this car say?’ This puts pressure on your child to perform. Instead, narrate your observations using his or her interest: ‘I see you made a long, straight line of red cars. Look at all the wheels spinning!’
- Validate the interest: Show genuine appreciation for your child’s focus. ‘Wow, you know so much about how magnets stick together! That’s incredible.’
3. The communication revolution: Honouring gestalt language processing
Many young autistic children communicate in ways that don’t fit the traditional model of building language word-by-word. Many use Gestalt Language Processing (GLP).
A gestalt language processor learns language in chunks or scripts (e.g., ‘what’s-in-there?’ or ‘ready-go!’). These chunks (or gestalts) are not random; they are often tied to an emotional memory or meaning. Over time, the child breaks down these big chunks into individual words then learns to recombine those words creatively.
If your child repeats movie phrases or whole sentences that seem unrelated, he or she is likely a gestalt language processor!
Affirm the script, then model something useful.
- Affirm the script: When your child says a script, respond to the meaning or emotion behind it, not the literal words. If he or she says, ‘We’re going to need a bigger boat’, and he or she is looking at a messy toy pile, he or she may be trying to express overwhelm or a need for help. You can affirm: ‘That pile is too big! I can help you move it.’
- Model new ‘mix and match’ scripts: To help your child move from whole scripts to single words, you can model shorter, slightly changed versions of the script, also called ‘mitigated gestalts’. If they say, ‘I want to go home now’, you might model, ‘Let’s go home, now’ or ‘I wanna go home’.
By honouring your child’s communication style, you validate his or her experience and naturally support his or her path to language development—a core part of neurodiversity-affirming SLT.
Your December gift to your little one:
This December, stop trying to make your child fit into a neurotypical box. Instead, make your home a safe space where he or she can be his or her authentic selves.
Prioritise regulation and connection over compliance.
Trust that when your child is regulated, his or her communication, learning, and engagement will flourish naturally. This is the true gift of neurodiversity-affirming practice.
Download and print my neuro-affirming quick reference guide and keep this guide handy on your fridge and/or in your child’s play area for a quick reminder to prioritise connection over conformity.
Sonja McGeachie
Highly Specialist Speech and Language Therapist
Owner of The London Speech and Feeding Practice.
Find a speech and language therapist for your child in London. Are you concerned about your child’s speech, feeding or communication skills and don’t know where to turn? Please contact me and we can discuss how I can help you or visit my services page.
